Over the past four months or so, I have really felt like myself again. I spent so much time grieving, but as time went by the pain subsided and I allowed myself to focus on something else– spend my energy in another way.

Saturday, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Today is Monday, and all I can think whenever I feel the littlest twinge of anything inside of me is that I am going to lose it. My faith in my ability to carry through the first eight weeks, let alone to term, is very weak right now. I am living these days in fear, when I want to live them in joy. And I can’t help thinking about all the people I know who have no trouble conceiving or carrying to term. Why is it such a challenge for me? Years of trying and failing. And then this.

This month marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I am finding this occurrence strange. I would love for this to be really happening but I can’t bring myself to believe it. I don’t want to be hurt again. I am so scared. I am looking for the courage to face this– I do not have the courage myself.