It’s over. Yesterday, sometime in the middle of the day this pregnancy ended. Like a light switch, everything cut off. The hormone rush, the food aversions, the constant nausea.

It was more than irresistible nerves that made me take that test yesterday morning. I sensed something was off. I had spent an entire week gagging on food and enduring heartburn, and feeling an intense sensation of energy in my stomach. I know enough about reading my body to be aware. And it was obvious that something had changed.

In the middle of the night I started bleeding. Confirmation of my suspicion. I didn’t expect it so soon. It’s all so abrupt.

And I still haven’t been able to see my OB. I think that is a huge frustration. I am now in the category of ” multiple miscarriages”. Does that mean perhaps next time around they’ll see me sooner? Going through this without a doctor is very nerve wracking. Everything you read says if this or that happens call your doctor, but if your doctor isn’t able to see you then pretty much you’re on your own. Not that calling your doctor would do anything– doctors can’t stop the spontaneous termination of an early pregnancy.

Who knows. Who knows what would make this make more sense.

I cried for a little while last night, and austin held me. i knew something had happenedI am feeling really clinical about the whole situation. I really guarded myself from my tendency to daydream. I didn’t really even let myself think past week 7– that was the goal in my mind. I almost made it. I’m not crying, and I don’t know when or if I will.. Austin teared up this morning and cuddled for a while when I told him. The emotional connection we have– this thing that we share– this is worth the world to me. His tenderness and intimacy makes anything bearable.

We are getting ready to walk to Waffle House to eat some breakfast. I am really hungry. i feel the effects of not having eaten for a week.Then I’m probably going to spend some time in my messy garden. Austin has a paper discussion to go to with a visiting Milton scholar. And then we’ll figure out what we want to do with our evening.

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